… that is why I laughingly call it ‘MALE-I-TUSS’

But hey, don’t get me wrong, plenty of women make this mistake too.

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This is part #2 of a 3-part podcast.

Mistakes Numbers 4 and 5 of  The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes…

    * How to identify them,

    * How to avoid them,

    * And most importantly…what to do instead if you want more trust, honesty and openness in your relationship.

Click the arrow to listen in as Paul discusses these issues…

Click here to find out more about Compassionate Communication For Couples

There is a communication toolbox you can use to:
            Resolve conflicts confidently, compassionately and quickly.

            Clear up misunderstanding in minutes.

            Talk about tough issues without taking it personally or making it personal. In other words, no more attacking your partner or having to defend yourself.

            Learn to talk so they want to listen and understand you.

            Learn how to listen so they want to open up and talk about their hidden dreams and desires along with their fear and doubts.

            Create more love, honesty, trust, harmony, support and understanding in your relationship starting today.

Remember if the only tool you have in your tool box is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. Get yourself a bigger, bad-er, bolder and more powerful communication tool box and you can create anything.

After listening to this 2 1/2 minute audio, go to www.magicrelationship.com

Either our needs are being met and we’d like to celebrate that with other people, or our needs are not being met and we would like empathy from others.

This is one of the basic premises of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s communication theory, Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org). And the characters in the hit TV series Desperate Housewives soooo beautifully demonstrate this premise.

Take the episode from season 2, “No One is Alone.” In past episodes, Susan has remarried Carl in order to use his health insurance for a surgery she needs.

It’s presumably just for the papers, not for any real romantic interest. Meanwhile, Carl and Eddie are becoming more serious. Nobody has told Edie of Susan’s predicament and that they’ve remarried.

I was never sure why they would have kept that a secret, but truly, there ARE people who think that keeping secrets is the only way to go. That happens when they run into too much pain by being honest earlier in their lives.

This episode begins with the neighbors all gathering at Susan’s burnt-down house to help her salvage as much as possible.

The insurance agent is there and tells Susan that they won’t be able to give her the insurance money until they finish their investigation because it’s believed it was arson.

Susan sees Edie across the street watching. Later she goes over to Edie’s house and knocks on the door. Edie stands there, eating popcorn, and through her munching tells Susan that she burnt her house down.

Now… was that an act of love or a cry for help? What needs of Edie were not being met that she felt compelled to give such a loud cry for help? I’d take a wild guess that she’s feeling sad, frustrated, and hopeless because she has a need for connection and love with the man she loves.

The only way she knows to express her pain is through this act of arson.

She never learned to tell people her feelings and needs, or to even really be in touch with what her true feelings and needs actually ARE. She only knows she’s in pain and that she’s got to do something to get rid of the pain.

Most people are not consciously aware that empathy, being truly understood by another human being, is enough to ease the pain. We look to revenge and violence in order to demonstrate our pain to the other person.

There’s another part of this episode that shows brilliantly how people can choose a strategy to demonstrate their true feelings and needs, instead of choosing verbal communication to get their needs met. TV.com gives the following summary of the Bree and Danielle part of the episode:

“While Bree is preparing for Susan and Julie to move in, Danielle tells her that she’s forgotten her birthday, which was six weeks ago. Bree promises her a birthday party where she could invite all her friends. Danielle also takes Andrew’s room, telling Bree she should give her whatever she wants since she forgot her birthday.

Danielle finds out that Bree has been up all night making birthday arrangements, but Danielle doesn’t want the huge ‘17’ made of balloons, the fajita bar or the juggler saying that her friends would make fun of her. She says a cake would be good enough. Bree is disappointed but acts like it’s alright and starts popping all the balloons. Susan gets worried about Bree, as she’s become obsessive about the party and she never sleeps.”

Hmmmm… Now is Danielle’s behavior an act of love or a cry for help? Danielle guilt-trips her mother into letting her have the bedroom she wants and a big party. That’s probably a cry for help. Danielle may be feeling sad and disappointed that her mother forgets her birthday because she has a real need for connection, support and self-esteem.

But if she’s unable to state her feelings and needs clearly, as so few of us are able to do (after all, we’re never taught to clearly state feelings and needs), then she tries another way of getting her needs met.

She lets her mother know how much pain she’s in by SHOWING her mother pain. She knows it will hurt her mother to let her have Andrew’s bedroom, as Bree’s hoping Andrew may return some day and because it keeps up appearances that Andrew may come back some day. And she wants the party as a demonstration of her mother’s appreciation for her. The party is merely a symbol – a huge symbol – of her mother’s love and appreciation.

Bree, too, sees the party as a symbol for love and appreciation. Danielle tries to keep the party as just a symbol – fun, light and entertaining. But Bree begins to obsess, as though the party were more than the symbol, as though the party were the love itself. Bree is hooked on her strategy.

Marshall Rosenberg teaches that there are many ways for a human to get their needs met – these are strategies. Psychological pain results from becoming stuck on a strategy. We ignore all of the other ways to show our daughter love and appreciation – through hugs and kisses, a different gift, conversation, a lunch together – and decide that this one strategy is the ONLY way that her daughter will understand that she’s loved.

This obsessive attention to one strategy is what we would call insanity. And Bree goes insane over this party. By the end, all of the neighborhood teenagers are frightened and Danielle is in her bedroom crying. The real tragedy is that it all happened over Bree trying to show her love.

Check out our Compassionate Communication for Couples teleseminar series at http://www.magicrelationship.com/

When people sign up for our FREE SPECIAL REPORT at our www.MagicRelationship.com website, they have a chance to ask us any relationship communication question.

These questions have become an amazing list of things that are bothering people all around the world — ranging from issues around money, sex, and jealousy, to dealing with step-children, ex-lovers and in-laws.

There’s a lot of consistency to the questions, and one we’re seeing over and over again is this: "My lover doesn’t listen to me anymore. How can I do to get them to listen?"

The Magic Relationship Method (MRM) is the communication method we teach and which we’ll be describing here. You can read more about it by requesting our special report at the website listed in our bio.

MRM works by connecting and expressing the feelings and needs of both people in a conversation.

So, here’s the question: "My lover doesn’t listen to me anymore. How can I do to get them to listen?"

First, let’s review some of…

The common reasons people stop listening…

Anytime someone thinks they are being verbally attacked, or being made wrong or whenever they take what you are saying personally, they want to cut and run.

When people use guilt, shame, blame, anger, or duty and obligation to try to get their needs met. these demands will send the listener hiding in the safety of silence.

There is an expression that "the message sent. is rarely the message received!" Meaning what you say… is not what they hear.

Meaning what you say is rarely what they heard. Sometimes we try to send a message of love and caring and our partner will hear instead that they are BAD, STUPID and WRONG. Have you ever run into that? it’s actually quite common.

So, the first step to making sure that your partner is able to hear you is to make sure it’s even a good time to talk.

Then . before you start talking… get clear about your intent in discussing this.

Is your intent to build a case against the person and prove why they are bad, stupid and wrong? (see our article, "The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes.") Or, is your intent to build a strong connection, caring and support with your partner?

Once you have decided that you’d rather have connection, express this to your partner. Then, start with a specific observation about the incident that triggered your upset.

The first thing to say in this case where your need to be heard is not being met, is to state an observation, speaking from the heart: "When I was talking to you just now, you turned around and walked away…. "

This is an observable behavior. We try to get away from stating generalities like, "You never listen to me!" That’ll only create more problems. It’s best to wait until you observe the behavior again, and then start your communication with an observation.

Next connect the feelings and needs you’re experiencing when this happens. "When you turned around and walked away while I was talking, I felt both sad and frustrated at the same time, because I have a need for connection with you…."

Try to stay with true feelings and needs. You can see a list of these on Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s website, CNVC.org – he is the creator of the nonviolent communication method on which the Magic Relationship Method is based.

Try to stick to the feelings and needs on these lists because it’s so easy to become confused about how to express your own feelings and needs.

If you’re like any other human being on this planet, you’ve learned over the years to hide your true feelings and needs. Sometimes it takes looking at the list just to remind yourself of what you could be experiencing!

Also, we often confuse a thought for a feeling, or a strategy for a need. But we’ll go into that later in another article.

Finally, the last step to the communication in the situation, is to make a request. Ask, "Would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?" This is ABSOLUTELY necessary!

Without it, you don’t know what story your partner making up in their head about what you just said. It could be anything. So ask this question and see what they say.

Next, you’ll want to find out what goes on for your partner in these ‘not listening’ situations. The conversation for that looks like this: "When you start watching TV like that when I’m talking, I’m guessing you might be feeling anxious and needing autonomy and that’s your way of trying to get those needs met. Am I close?"

It might take repeating this question several times suggesting different feelings and needs to help your partner identify their true inner workings…. but its so worth the effort! You’ll feel so much more connected just working on this part of the communication.

Once you’re both clear on what your feelings and needs are in the situation, THEN you can start looking at strategies (ways) that will make sure that BOTH of your feelings and needs are met.

This communication technique, the Language of Peace, is fairly simple. The hard part is working up the courage to actually sit down and have the conversation. You risk your partner’s anger or criticism. But you also create the opportunity for being really close and intimate with your partner.

Check out our MP3 live recorded interviews covering The 4 Steps To Instant Intimacy and Understanding in detail…