Mistake#4 – Cup Stuffing


“The 5 Relationship-Wrecking

Communication Mistakes”


How to Identify, Understand and, Most Importantly, Avoid Them!

Mistake #4, Cup Stuffing

In the past few sections, we’ve discussed the first 3 of the 5 most common communication mistakes: Case Building, Story Telling, and Message Assuming.


Case building
is the first choice we are faced with in communication.  It is deciding whether we want to build a case against somebody by gathering evidence to be used against them, or whether we want to build a connection with them.


Story telling
is when we tell ourselves a story about an observation — and then believe it.  We see our lover come to bed with flannel pajamas on, decide they must not want to be intimate (and no longer find us attractive) and then begin pouting about it without ever checking out the reality.

The third mistake is Message Assuming – that is, assuming that the person we are talking to actually understands our message in the way that we intended.  Or that we understood theirs.  We talk and talk, trying to explain ourselves, yet never check that the other person understands us.

The fourth mistake is Cup Stuffing.  This is trying to get somebody to listen or do something for you when they are already in overwhelm – their cup is full with all the challenges of the day.

When people are in need of empathy themselves
(empathy is the process of listening, understanding and feeding back what they heard) they are unable to hear what we are saying.  It’s not until we give them some empathy for their feelings and needs that they will be able to hear us.

The answer?

Creating an agreement with your partner that you’ll use “Cup Full’
as a code for needing some time to get some empathy before meeting
with your partner again.  Both partners may need to seek out
some empathy from friends or a relationship coach.

If your cup isn’t too full, you can learn to give your partner empathy
before
telling them about your own issues.
That’s if you are in a space where you can give empathy.

NOTE:  giving somebody empathy DOES NOT mean giving
them agreement.  It is understanding where they are
coming from as a human being — listening for their feelings
and needs underneath everything they’re saying.

ANOTHER NOTE:  be sure to set up an agreement about how
much time you need to get some empathy and regenerate your
own personal resources before you come back together.
Is it one hour?  One day?  One week?  Be sure
to set that up before you say, “Cup Full” and leave.
Without the agreement, your partner won’t know if you’ve
totally bailed on them … or what!

To Your Relationship
Success,

Paul Sterling
MagicRelationship.com
970-586-7734

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