Below is an article by Relationship
Coach and Author, Paul Sterling, www.MagicRelationship.net/blog
"He Doesn't Listen Anymore!"
One issue I run into when I’m coaching
couples through communication problems is this: “He
doesn't listen to me anymore… what can I do change
To help people address this lack of
communication and bring back the openness, honesty,
trust and intimacy they desire… I teach them a simple and
The Magic Relationship Method
is 4-Step Communication Formula, based on the work of Dr.
Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication.
This system is designed to help couples overcome
communication issues... with compassion and understanding...
by connecting to... and expressing... their feelings, needs,
rather than using the shame, blame and guilt-game... when
trying to get your needs met in your relationship.
Okay, let's walk through an example…
Step 1) Start by recalling a
specific situation when someone said or did something that
caused upset or misunderstanding. What was said
or done that both parties could agree on? Stick to the
observation (the facts) and try to avoid dangerous
generalizations like, "You never listen to me!"
Be specific... and just keep reading even if this doesn't
make sense yet!
So here we go, a
simple observation, speaking from the heart:
“When I was talking to you just
now, you turned around and walked away...”
See how that is just an observation?
There are no opinions, evaluations, or judgements.
Just the facts.
Step 2) Next, connect the observation to the feelings that
came up… in this step, the challenge is to make sure
that you're expressing feelings and not thoughts. Let's give
it a go:
“…I felt both hurt and confused at the same time…”
Making a little more sense?
You're almost there!
Step 3) Next you tie those feeling
to needs that are either being met or not being met by
the observation above… don't worry if it seems a little
complicated to start. It's sort of like riding a bike...
clumsy at first and then easy once you get the hang of it.
So here are the needs:
“… because I have a need for
respect and understanding...”
If you’re like most couples on
this planet, you’ve learned over the years to avoid
vulnerability and hide your true feelings and needs. Dumb as
it may sound, sometimes it takes a gentle reminder just to
remember what you could be experiencing... of what your
needs really are.
Step 4) Finally, the last step to the communication method
is to make a clear, specific, answerable request.
In this case, you can ask:
“… Would you be willing to tell me
what you heard me say?”
This request is ABSOLUTELY necessary! Without it, you don’t
know what your partner heard or what story was being made up
in their head
about what you just said. It could be anything.
Remember, no matter what is said, THANK THEM!
- NEVER CORRECT THEM... OR TELL THEM THEY'RE WRONG.
what you asked, they told you what they heard you say.
Now, if what your partner heard is very different from what
you wanted them to hear... it's your responsibility to try again.
And in some cases, you may have to go one short sentence at a time.
This may seem slow and time consuming but the truth is that,
without this method, issues tend to get recycled for years
rather than resolved in minutes… with this method, you
have an opportunity to work through the issues, challenges
and problems of your relationship... without communication
Once you are both clear on your feelings and needs… the next
step is to get clear on your partners feelings and needs…
But first, let's put it all together and see
what it looks like:
Here's the situation: You go to talk to your partner about
something that's important and emotional to you and they turn
and leave the room…
Stop for a second... take a deep
Then you say “When I was talking
to you just now, you turned around and walked away…I felt
both hurt and confused at the same time… because I have a
need for respect and understanding… Would you be willing to
tell me what you just heard me say?”
Your partner responds: “Yeah, you are telling me I
can't listen to you and get a beer from the fridge at the same time! I heard
every word and you know it's true!”
You say “Thank you, let me try again. What
I really wanted you to hear is this: “When I was talking to you just
now, you turned around and walked away. Would you be
willing to tell me what you heard me say?”
Your partner says “okay, you said when I left the room... you
were still talking…”
Great, you're now on a roll! Keep going, sentence by sentence,
until your partner has heard you completely.
Once you feel comfortable with this,
the next step is to use the same tools
to discover what your partner is feeling and needing…
Make sure both people in the couple have had their feelings,
needs, and requests on the table before trying to work out
any strategy to get the needs met.
At this point, you're probably
thinking: "this is NOT normal! People in relationships
DO NOT communicate like this when problems come up!" You are
right! Most people don't. And so many
relationships end due to a lack of these simple
Einstein said. "Insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again, expecting a different result!”
Master this communication tool, and you can turn a lack of
communication into clear communication and possibly save
your relationship from being destroyed by
communication problems, issues or challenges.
To find out more about this method, click on the link below
for my book and MP3s:
With passion, purpose and possibility,
Your Relationship Coach
P.S. The hardest part is getting started… so let me help you
along… just click on the link below… get out your credit
card (yeah I know, there’s always a catch)… and get started
today… building more intimacy tonight!