Mistake #5 – The Fatal Fs
“The 5 Relationship-Wrecking
Communication Mistakes”
How to Identify, Understand and, Most Importantly, Avoid Them!
Mistake #5, The Fatal F’s
In the past newsletters, we discussed the first 4 of the 5 most common communication mistakes:
- Case Building is the first choice we are faced with in communication. It is deciding whether we want to build a case against somebody by gathering evidence to be used against them, or whether we want to build a connection with them.
- Story Telling is when we tell ourselves a story about an observation — and then believe it. Somebody glances at us in a restaurant and we decide that they are being critical of us and then we base our behavior on that assumption.
- The third mistake, Message Assuming, is assuming that the person we are talking to actually understand our message in the way that we intended. Or that we understood theirs.
- Cup Stuffing is trying to get somebody to listen to you when they are already overwhelmed – they are in need of empathy before they can listen.
And finally there is the 5th mistake: The Fatal Fs. The Fatal Fs are fixing, fighting and fleeing. They are a natural progression in the way we normally handle difficult situations.
Every day at your job you are paid and valued by the problems you can solve… and yet, once you go home, solving problems can be a very dangerous thing as far as your relationships are concerned.
Anytime you offer advice or try to education without offering empathy (listening and understanding) first, you are ‘fixing’ the person.
And, unlike problems, people don’t like to be fixed.When your partner feels like you are fixing her instead of giving empathy, she will become angry and resist the fixing. She’ll explain her side, she’ll yell that you don’t understand, and then you’ll resist this counter attack, and the whole situation will go downhill from there. That’s fighting.
And once you’ve fought over this same argument for about the hundredth time, the natural reaction is to leave the room and refuse to repeat it one more time. That’s fleeing.
In effect, it cuts off all future communication around this topic
and contributes to the dying intimacy in the relationship.So what’s the good news? The good news is that you can stop this progression by giving empathy at the very beginning, before offering education. You can make the decision to stop fixing people and start listening and understanding.
Here’s an assignment: the next time you
want to tell your beloved about a situation, say to him or her
first, “The most awful thing happened today… but I’d like you to
just listen. I don’t think I’m ready to start discussing how
to fix it yet.”Then he or she will
know what’s expected and will, most likely, be happy to
comply. People always love to contribute to their
loved ones — they’re just unclear on how to do so
sometimes.
To Your Relationship
Success,
Paul Sterling
MagicRelationship.com
970-586-7734
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