{"id":762,"date":"2010-10-10T17:16:49","date_gmt":"2010-10-11T00:16:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/"},"modified":"2010-10-22T05:35:56","modified_gmt":"2010-10-22T12:35:56","slug":"mistake-5-the-fatal-fs","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/mistake-5-the-fatal-fs\/","title":{"rendered":"Mistake #5 &#8211; The Fatal Fs"},"content":{"rendered":"<blockquote>\n<blockquote>\n<h1><span style=\"color: #800000;\"><span style=\"font-size: 16pt; font-family: Tahoma;\">&#8220;The 5 Relationship-Wrecking<\/p>\n<p>Communication Mistakes&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><\/span><\/span><\/h1>\n<h2>How to Identify, Understand and, Most Importantly, Avoid Them!<\/h2>\n<h3><strong>Mistake #5, The Fatal F&#8217;s<br \/>\n<\/strong><\/h3>\n<p class=\"style2\">In the past newsletters, we discussed the first 4 of the 5 most common communication mistakes:<\/p>\n<ul style=\"margin-top: 0in; margin-bottom: 0in; font-size: 12px;\">\n<li class=\"MsoNormal\"> <strong><em>Case Building<\/em><\/strong> is the first choice we are faced with in communication.\u00a0 It is deciding whether we want to build a case <strong>against<\/strong> somebody by gathering evidence to be used against them, or whether we want to build a connection <strong>with<\/strong> them.<\/li>\n<li class=\"MsoNormal\"> <strong><em>Story Telling<\/em><\/strong> is when we tell ourselves a story about an observation &#8212; and then <em>believe<\/em> it.\u00a0 Somebody glances at us in a restaurant and we decide that they are being critical of us and then we base our behavior on that assumption.<\/li>\n<li class=\"MsoNormal\"> The third mistake, <strong><em>Message Assuming,<\/em><\/strong> is assuming that the person we are talking to actually understand our message in the way that we intended.\u00a0 Or that we understood theirs.<\/li>\n<li class=\"MsoNormal\"> <strong><em>Cup Stuffing<\/em><\/strong> is trying to get somebody to listen to you when they are already overwhelmed \u2013 they are in need of empathy before they can listen.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p class=\"style3\">And finally there is the 5<sup>th <\/sup>mistake:<strong><em> The Fatal Fs.<\/em><\/strong> The <strong><em>Fatal Fs<\/em><\/strong> are fixing, fighting and fleeing.\u00a0 They are a natural progression in the way we normally handle difficult situations.<\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal style2\">Every day at your job you are paid and valued by the problems you can solve&#8230; and yet, once you go home, solving problems can be a very dangerous thing as far as your relationships are concerned.<\/p>\n<p class=\"box\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\">Anytime you offer advice or try to education without offering empathy (listening and understanding) first, you are \u2018fixing&#8217; the person<\/span><strong><span style=\"font-size: small;\">.<br \/>\nAnd, unlike problems, people don&#8217;t like to be fixed.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><span style=\"font-size: small;\"> <\/span><\/strong><span style=\"font-size: small;\"> <\/span><span style=\"font-size: small;\">When your partner feels like you are fixing her instead of giving empathy, she will become angry and resist the fixing.\u00a0 She&#8217;ll explain her side, she&#8217;ll yell that you don&#8217;t understand, and then you&#8217;ll resist this counter attack, and the whole situation will go downhill from there.\u00a0 That&#8217;s <strong>fighting<\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal style2\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\">And once you&#8217;ve fought over this same argument for about the hundredth time, the natural reaction is to leave the room and refuse to repeat it one more time.\u00a0 That&#8217;s <strong>fleeing<\/strong>.<br \/>\nIn effect, it cuts off all future communication around this topic<br \/>\nand contributes to the dying intimacy in the relationship.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal style2\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\">So what&#8217;s the good news?\u00a0 <strong>The good news is that you <em>can<\/em> stop this progression<\/strong> by giving empathy at the very beginning, before offering education.\u00a0 You can make the decision to stop fixing people and start listening and understanding. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal style2\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><strong><em>Here&#8217;s an assignment<\/em><\/strong>:\u00a0 the next time you<br \/>\nwant to tell your beloved about a situation, say to him or her<br \/>\nfirst, &#8220;The most awful thing happened today&#8230; but I&#8217;d like you to<br \/>\njust listen.\u00a0 I don&#8217;t think I&#8217;m ready to start discussing how<br \/>\nto fix it yet.&#8221;<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"MsoNormal style2\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"> <span style=\"font-size: small;\">Then he or she will<br \/>\nknow what&#8217;s expected and will, most likely, be happy to<br \/>\ncomply.\u00a0 People always love to contribute to their<br \/>\nloved ones &#8212; they&#8217;re just unclear on how to do so<br \/>\nsometimes.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p class=\"style1\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"> <em style=\"font-style: normal;\"><strong><br \/>\n<span style=\"font-size: small;\">To Your Relationship<br \/>\nSuccess,<\/span><\/strong><span style=\"font-size: small;\"> <\/span><\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/new_site\/images\/signitures-paul.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"64\" \/><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\"><span style=\"font-size: small;\">Paul Sterling<br \/>\nMagicRelationship.com<br \/>\n970-586-7734<\/p>\n<div class=\"media\"><a href=\"http:\/\/twitter.com\/home?status=PS @Relationships is giving away a series of relationship tips and articles http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/the-five-mistakes\/ for free. You need to check it out\" target=\"_blank\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/images\/twitter-article2.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/div>\n<p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<table style=\"height: 690px;\" width=\"436\">\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Access more  FREE Relationship Stuff:<\/span><\/h2>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"color: #000000;\"> <\/span><\/h3>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong><span style=\"color: #000000;\">Just enter  your first name and<\/span><\/strong><\/h3>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>email  address in the form below<\/strong><strong> for instant access<\/strong><\/h3>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>to more great relationship stuff!<\/strong><\/h3>\n<h3 style=\"text-align: center;\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/images\/3.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"108\" height=\"50\" \/><\/h3>\n<table style=\"height: 320px;\" width=\"509\">\n<tbody>\n<tr style=\"text-align: center;\">\n<td>\n<form action=\"http:\/\/www.mcssl.com\/app\/contactsave.asp\" method=\"post\"> <input id=\"merchantid\" name=\"merchantid\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"74347\" \/> <input id=\"ARThankyouURL\" name=\"ARThankyouURL\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/thanks-for-registering-2\/\" \/> <input id=\"defaultar\" name=\"defaultar\" type=\"hidden\" \/> <input id=\"allowmulti\" name=\"allowmulti\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"1\" \/> <input id=\"visiblefields\" name=\"visiblefields\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"Name,Emai1\" \/> <input id=\"requiredfields\" name=\"requiredfields\" type=\"hidden\" value=\"Name,Email1\" \/><\/p>\n<table id=\"table3\" align=\"center\">\n<tbody>\n<tr>\n<td><strong><span style=\"font-family: Tahoma; color: #373737; font-size: x-small;\">First<br \/>\nName: <\/span><\/strong><\/td>\n<td style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"color: #373737; font-size: x-small;\"><strong><span style=\"font-family: Tahoma;\"> <\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><input id=\"First Name\" name=\"Name\" size=\"20\" type=\"text\" \/><\/strong><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><strong><span style=\"font-family: Tahoma; color: #373737; font-size: x-small;\">Primary<br \/>\nEmail: <\/span><\/strong><\/td>\n<td><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong> <\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong><input id=\"Primary Email\" name=\"Email1\" size=\"20\" type=\"text\" \/><\/strong><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><strong><span style=\"font-family: Tahoma; font-size: x-small;\">Confirm<br \/>\nEmail: <\/span><\/strong><\/td>\n<td><input id=\"Verify Email\" name=\"verify_email\" size=\"20\" type=\"text\" \/><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<tr>\n<td id=\"submitpad\" style=\"text-align: center;\" onmousedown=\"this.style.backgroundColor='#009900'\" onmouseover=\"this.style.backgroundColor='#009900'\" onmouseout=\"this.style.backgroundColor='#cc0000'\" colspan=\"2\"><span style=\"cursor: pointer;\"> <\/span><\/p>\n<p><input onclick=\"this.blur(); isValid = ft_formValidate('First   Name','','r','Primary Email','','risemail','Verify Email','Primary   Email','isMatch'); if(isValid) {   document.getElementById('form1').submit(); } return false;\" name=\"cmdSubmit0\" type=\"submit\" value=\"&quot;Instant Access Now! &gt;&gt;&quot;\" \/><span style=\"font-family: Tahoma;\"><br \/>\n<\/span><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/form>\n<p class=\"style18\">**Double-check your email for accuracy<\/p>\n<p>to ensure you receive the report.<\/p>\n<p class=\"style18\"><a href=\"http:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/privacy_statement.htm\" target=\"_blank\">Privacy Assured<\/a>: Your email address<\/p>\n<p>is never shared with anyone.<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<h4 style=\"text-align: center;\"><span style=\"color: #000080;\"><strong>Was this information useful?<\/strong><\/span><\/h4>\n<p><strong>Do you have friends or family members who are having relationship challenges, who are looking for answers, who could use some advice&#8230; and&#8230; who want to bring back the trust, intimacy and understanding in their relationship?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>If you liked what you learned here\u2026 <span style=\"color: #000080;\">Pay it forward \u2013 Pass it on \u2013 Share it<\/span>.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><strong>Just click on the <span style=\"color: #000080;\">Share\/Save Link<\/span> below \u2013 you can Tweet them, email them, Facebook it or just bookmark it for yourself, so you can get back to this page when you need it. Thanks in advance for helping get the word out.<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes&#8221; How to Identify, Understand and, Most Importantly, Avoid Them! Mistake #5, The Fatal F&#8217;s In the past newsletters, we discussed the first 4 of the 5 most common communication mistakes: Case Building is the first choice we are faced with in communication.\u00a0 It is deciding whether we want to build [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":187,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-762","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/762","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/187"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=762"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/762\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":830,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/762\/revisions\/830"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=762"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}