I have a friend who is going through some pain in her
\nrelationship with her partner of 10 years.<\/p>\n
She’s been writing to me about the issues they’re facing.<\/p>\n
She’s also bought “The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication
\nMistakes” and has listened to some of our MP3s.<\/p>\n
Her name is Madeline, and I invite you to read along as I coach
\nMadeline in how to use the Magic Relationship Method to heal
\nher relationship.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I’ll mark her thoughts with M for Madeline, and my responses
\nwith a K for Kelli. If you’re struggling with your
\nrelationship and trying to use the Magic Relationship Method to
\nimprove it… read on! These insights into how to use the method
\nwill inspire you.<\/p>\n
*************<\/p>\n
M: I thought I would let you know how things went in my K: That’s great! He was willing to tell you his feelings! M: I paused for a second to let him finish and then I K: Great – so he’s explaining his confusion. Remember – his M: He went on to say that for the last nine years he would I paused for a minute. He said that he was really confused and K: Oops! Keep talking about HIM… not you. He’s the one we’re Remember – you’re just trying to understand. You don’t have to M: I told him I thought he had said not to spend any money for So, I decided not to spend money on a gift (we would normally K: So, are you feeling confused and maybe disappointed because M: Evidently, doing something that ‘I’ wanted to do, in this I have to say…he did tell me that he could see how I may have K: Cool! Natural empathy…<\/p>\n M: At that point in the conversation (probably not the correct K: <\/span>Hmmm… I want to ask him, “So, does receiving only a M: <\/span>He then said, “But if you don’t want a birthday gift, just Of course I am frustrated at this point for one because I don’t K: <\/span>Are you feeling frustrated and sad and needing some M: <\/span>And secondly, I know that I am not supposed to be getting K: <\/span>So were you feeling a bit anxious because you have a need M: <\/span>After that, basically, the rose and card conversation was K: <\/span>Excellent! <\/p>\n M: <\/span>I asked him what he thought attributed to the difference\/ I told him that I have been reading material on how to improve All in all our conversation went exceptionally well! <\/span>Incidentally, K: <\/span>I’m wondering if he isn’t still in pain – that he hasn’t opened M: <\/span>Although I have a lot more to learn and practice, I feel I do have to say that I am still concerned\/worried about our M: Kristin, this has been bothering me for months. This K: It sounds like you have a need for understanding and \nM: His being\/sleeping in our spare bedroom is hard for me. K: I think working on communication techniques for the little M: You must have some sort of plan (so I understand from your K: Yes, I believe your needs WILL be met – even though the M: I really appreciate and thank you for your time and energy With sincere gratitude, \nWoohoo! It sounds like these communication techniques are Warmly, Kelli I have a friend who is going through some pain in her
\nconversation with
\nhad a few minutes to talk with me. He said yes so
\nI started the conversation by using your example of “When I
\ngave you the rose and card the other day, I’m wondering if you
\nfelt annoyed….” and before I could get the rest of
\nmy sentence out, he broke into my sentence and said, “Yes I
\nfelt annoyed.” <\/p>\n
\nAnd he was appreciating being heard…<\/p>\n
\ncontinued with my original sentence saying, “I had wondered if
\nyou felt annoyed and confused because you needed understanding,
\nindependence…”…he jumped in again and said he was annoyed, not
\nconfused, because I did the one thing he asked me not to do. <\/p>\n
\nconfusion may or may not have anything to do with reality as you
\nsee it – but that doesn’t mean he’s not feeling confusion. He
\nis… so that’s what’s on the table. It’s like a kid having a
\nnightmare: they really
\nhave died to have me do
\nthat (give a card and a rose), but for some reason when he
\nwanted it, I never gave it (just so you know, this is not true…I
\ngave cards and roses multiple times over the last nine years, but
\nusually heard that he didn’t care about cards…they weren’t
\npersonal enough, and that actions speak louder than words.) But
\nthe one time he asks me not to do it, I do it. He said ‘that’
\nwas confusing to him. <\/p>\n
\ndidn’t understand why I didn’t do what he asked. He said that
\ninstead, I did what I wanted to do. I continued listening, but I
\nhad to interject something, so I said, “I guess I had
\nmisunderstood what you had said a month or two ago”. <\/p>\n
\nworking on. You could say, again (because he’s needing a lot of
\nempathy for years of his own pain), “So are you feeling confused
\nbecause you have a need for acknowledgment and appreciation and
\nyou weren’t getting that for a long time?”<\/p>\n
\nagree with him about whether or not you gave him appreciation and
\nacknowledgement during that time.<\/p>\n
\nValentines Day or our anniversary. <\/p>\n
\ndiscuss how much money we were going to spend for Valentines Day
\nand our anniversary), but just to get a card and a single rose,
\nto symbolize my love for him and to recognize a milestone
\nanniversary…# 10. <\/p>\n
\nyou have a need for connection and intimacy with your partner and
\nit was looking impossible to tell how to do that in a way that he
\nwould enjoy?<\/p>\n
\ncase, went against his needs, but I am looking at it as part of
\nour healing. If I didn’t love him so much then I wouldn’t have
\ngotten the card and rose, I wouldn’t have emailed you about him
\nnot opening the card, etc…and I would not be in the healing
\nprocess like I am now. <\/p>\n
\nmisunderstood what he had said originally, which I thought was a
\nstep in the right direction. <\/p>\n
\ntime to say this) I asked him, “What about the rose and the
\ncard?” He said, “It’s not mine, I didn’t ask for
\nit”. We then moved from the kitchen to the living room with
\nthe conversation. He proceeded to say that we can give birthday
\ngifts. I asked him what the difference
\nwas…why it was okay to give birthday gifts to each other but
\nnothing else? He said, “Because we would give birthday gifts to
\nanyone in our group of friends.” <\/p>\n
\nbirthday gift feel good to you because if fulfills your needs for
\nautonomy and independence? <\/p>\n
\ntell me. I am okay with not giving you one if that’s what you
\nwant.”<\/p>\n
\nlike the vagueness of his explanation and how hurt what he is
\nsaying makes me feel inside.<\/p>\n
\nunderstanding and empathy for the pain this is bringing up for
\nyou?<\/p>\n
\ninto any other deep conversations with him until I can work on a
\nstrategy with you. So I really don’t know what to say, except I
\ntold him that I didn’t say anything about not wanting a birthday
\ngift. <\/p>\n
\nto connect with your partner in a way that you’ll both enjoy and
\nyou have a need for some strategies that will help you do that?<\/p>\n
\nover. We did, however, continue talking. I asked him if he
\nnoticed that our communication had greatly improved recently. He
\nsaid that he had noticed and that he hoped that we don’t slip. <\/p>\n
\nimprovement. He calmly said old age (he’s only 44, and I am
\ngoing to be 41). He said it was basically trial and error over
\nall these years. He said he finally realized that what he was
\ndoing wasn’t working and so he changed it and now it is working. <\/p>\n
\nmy communication skills. He then told me that he has had
\nmultiple classes and workshops through work that taught him. I
\nthen talked with him a bit about how I thought we needed to
\nimprove our communication skills with Marshall (our son). I
\nordered Marshall Rosenberg’s book called ‘Raising Children
\nCompassionately’ on EBay the other night. I spoke with
\nabout how I believed that some of his\/ (your) [The Magic
\nRelationship Method] communication techniques were working
\nwith him. I asked him if he would read the book when it comes
\nin. He said, “I might”. <\/p>\n
\nhe still hasn’t opened either card.<\/p>\n
\nthe cards. It may take some time to heal the old wounds… we get
\ninto this in our 7 Keys to a Magic Relationship…<\/p>\n
\nless anxious about the future, in that I know that these
\ntechniques work and that as time goes by things will greatly
\nimprove with us. <\/p>\n
\nfuture together because I have a memory of our last conversation
\nwhere he said, “I will always love you and have you in my life,
\nbut I am not in love with you anymore and I don’t know if I can
\nbe. I don’t know if I want to be with you…or anyone else, for
\nthat matter”.
\nK: I’m wondering if he doesn’t see a way for his needs for
\nauthenticity and autonomy to met at the same time as his needs
\nfor connection and love, so he thinks he needs to be alone to get
\nthose needs for independence met…?<\/p>\n
\nliving in limbo…I don’t know what he wants. <\/p>\n
\nclarity around your relationship. Also as part of the 7 Keys we
\nhave some goals clarification exercises for helping a couple look
\nat their future together. Without a shared vision for the
\nfuture, a goal, something you’re working toward, it’s difficult
\nto get on with the day-to-day. That may be something to look at
\ndoing. I do have to warn you, though, that we’ve had a couple of
\nrelationships break up over doing their vision statements. It
\nbecame obvious to them that they really WERE heading in opposite
\ndirections. But then the break-ups were easier because, of
\ncourse, you don’t want your beloved to NOT go after their dream.<\/p>\n
\nOur last conversation, which was in January, (where I kind of
\ntried to get a feel as to where he was in his search for
\nhappiness) didn’t really pan out any new information. He still
\nsaid he didn’t know if he wanted to work on the relationship or
\nnot. In another week, it will be 5 months since his announcement
\nthat he was unhappy in our relationship. Is the continued
\nimprovement in conversation techniques the answer to it all? I
\ndon’t know what kinds of things to work on next. I’ve already
\ntalked with him 3 times about how he feels about ‘us’ and I don’t
\nthink pressing anymore will work in my favor, but I also don’t
\nthink that just waiting around is the answer.<\/p>\n
\nstuff – like picking up socks, or the sponge in the sink, etc.,
\n— will help give you the tools you need to come back later to
\nthe bigger issues.<\/p>\n
\nwebsite) for happiness in your marriage. I feel confident that
\nif I just had some guidance for a several more months, after
\npracticing the proper techniques at the right times, my need for
\nconnection and love from
\nlearning process and working through the issues can be painful at
\ntimes, it’s totally worth it.<\/p>\n
\nin reading and considering my points in this email. I am looking
\nforward to hearing from you soon!<\/p>\n
\nMadeline<\/p>\n
\nreally working for you. I look forward to hearing your response
\nto my letter!<\/p>\n
\nrelationship with her partner of 10 years. She\u2019s been writing to
\nme about the issues they\u2019re facing. She\u2019s also bought \u201cThe 5
\nRelationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes\u201d and has listened to
\nsome of our MP3s. Her name is Madeline, and I invite you to read
\nalong as a coach Madeline in how to use the Magic Relationship
\nMethod to heal her relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":187,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[334,1],"tags":[50,51,49,71,72,47],"class_list":["post-35","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-news","category-relationship-blog","tag-advice","tag-communication","tag-how-to","tag-issue","tag-problem","tag-relationship"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/187"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=35"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/35\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=35"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=35"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.magicrelationship.net\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=35"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}