Anger is an emotion that gets an incredibly bad rap.
People are put into classes by the courts to learn how to control their anger. Kids are sent to their rooms until they can act ‘nice.’ Partners take great pains not to reveal their anger to their significant other for fear that they’ll be either a ‘bitch’ or an ‘abusive husband.’
Good grief, there’s a lot of pain, embarrassment and shame around this emotion!
But, do you know what? To even think that anger is ‘unhealthy’ is an evaluation that’s unfair and unproductive.
Actually, it’s the thinking behind the anger that usually isn’t so useful. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg writes about this in his book, “Getting Past the Pain Between Us,” (available at cnvc.org).
Anger itself merely alerts us to a disharmony between our thoughts and reality. And in all actuality, it’s very valuable for letting us know that some changes need to be made.
The hard part, though, is analyzing the thoughts behind the anger to decide what we need to change. First we have to decide what need of ours is not being met so that we’re feeling this anger. And to discover that need, it’s useful t o use our emotions as a guide.
* – Fear would lead us to believe that what we’re lacking is safety – either emotional or physical.
* – Disappointment would lead us to believe that what’s lacking is satisfaction, appreciation, accomplishment…
* – Confusion would lead us to the need for clarity and understanding.
* – Loneliness would lead to connection.
* – Overwhelm would lead us to the need for peace and harmony.
Once you’ve identified what the lack is in your life, then you can make a decision to change the ways things are. And even more importantly, you can begin to act on these decisions.
Depression is often the result of feeling helpless, as though we’re going to be stuck in a situation forever. Actually, if you’re good and angry, you’re probably not suffering from depression – depression is more like low-grade, long-term anger. It’s what I wrestle with. and I know that to get myself out of the depression, I have to make changes.
What’s disappointing about the above process, is that I’d usually like immediate relief from the anger and depression. But that never happens. Usually, I won’t be able to really make some changes in my life for the better until I can talk with the person who’s bothering me, or get more money to do the thing that will make me happier, etc.
But once you’ve made the decision to change things, then you can calm down a bit, knowing that it’s just a matter of time before everything will be so much better. You can start right now with studying; planning and getting ready to make the big change that’s going to rock your world into something you love.
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