Divorce is an incredibly painful and trying time for everybody in a family.
Being able to communicate your feelings and needs in an effective manner is one way to help keep your own sanity and to check in with your partner and children.
Of course you’d always want to check in with your children – but your partner? Why not? Just because you’re divorcing doesn’t mean you can’t be respectful of their feelings and needs as well.
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Okay, if I haven’t lost you on that last comment (I know a lot of people really don’t want to connect with their soon-to-be-ex), read on!
The Magic Relationship Method, which is based on the Nonviolent Communication method developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (www.cnvc.org), can be very helpful in communicating your way through the divorce. In fact, there are many mediators who primarily use Nonviolent Communication as a mediation technique.
One of the basic premises of this communication method is that emotions are the natural outcome of either getting your needs met or not. Think about it – if your need for food is being met, you’ll probably be happy. If not, you’ll be cranky. If your need for beauty and harmony is being met by the furnishings of your living room, you’ll be happy. If not, you’ll be kind of disappointed when you look around the room.
If your needs are being met by the proceedings of the divorce, I don’t know that you’ll be “happy”, but at least you might be content. If not, you’ll be unhappy for sure. Divorces are just not fun, anyway.
The Magic Relationship Method communication method is a simple four steps. Click on the following link to read an article on the 4 Step Formula. That’s a good place to start for being able to communicate with your ex, the attorneys, and your children, if you have any.
Another thing to do is look at these links for Rosenberg’s list of basic human needs and try to decide which of those needs you would like to have met in the divorce. That way, when you communicate with your ex, you can be very clear about them.
Children are often confused and frightened during divorce proceedings.
It would be helpful for them if you could clearly express your feelings and needs around the divorce to them. Even if they are young, they will be able to connect to your need for love, understanding and affection. They will understand your need for safety for yourself and your loved ones. They may not have as deep an understanding as an adult, but as human beings they know these needs well.
If your children are teenagers, they may not agree with your strategies for getting your needs met.
But maybe you all can understand each other in terms of your needs at any rate. It would be very important to make sure you understand your children’s feelings and needs at this time, too. And again, you may not agree with the strategies your teenagers are using to express themselves, but you may be able to connect on the level of their needs.
Have your children look at the list of human needs on the website and decide which of their needs are the most important to be met right now, then decide on some strategies for meeting those needs that are acceptable to both you and the children. It’s imperative that the children feel like their needs matter during this difficult time.
And remember, above all, being kind to yourself during this stressful time will go miles with all of your relationships.
Give yourself the training and tools to make this transition with compassion, understanding and diginty… get my relationship communication ebook today…