I have a friend who is going through some pain in her
relationship with her partner of 10 years.
She’s been writing to me about the issues they’re facing.
She’s also bought “The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication
Mistakes” and has listened to some of our MP3s.
Her name is Madeline, and I invite you to read along as I coach
Madeline in how to use the Magic Relationship Method to heal
her relationship.
I’ll mark her thoughts with M for Madeline, and my responses
with a K for Kelli. If you’re struggling with your
relationship and trying to use the Magic Relationship Method to
improve it… read on! These insights into how to use the method
will inspire you.
*************
M: I thought I would let you know how things went in my
conversation with
had a few minutes to talk with me. He said yes so
I started the conversation by using your example of “When I
gave you the rose and card the other day, I’m wondering if you
felt annoyed….” and before I could get the rest of
my sentence out, he broke into my sentence and said, “Yes I
felt annoyed.”
K: That’s great! He was willing to tell you his feelings!
And he was appreciating being heard…
M: I paused for a second to let him finish and then I
continued with my original sentence saying, “I had wondered if
you felt annoyed and confused because you needed understanding,
independence…”…he jumped in again and said he was annoyed, not
confused, because I did the one thing he asked me not to do.
K: Great – so he’s explaining his confusion. Remember – his
confusion may or may not have anything to do with reality as you
see it – but that doesn’t mean he’s not feeling confusion. He
is… so that’s what’s on the table. It’s like a kid having a
nightmare: they really
M: He went on to say that for the last nine years he would
have died to have me do
that (give a card and a rose), but for some reason when he
wanted it, I never gave it (just so you know, this is not true…I
gave cards and roses multiple times over the last nine years, but
usually heard that he didn’t care about cards…they weren’t
personal enough, and that actions speak louder than words.) But
the one time he asks me not to do it, I do it. He said ‘that’
was confusing to him.
I paused for a minute. He said that he was really confused and
didn’t understand why I didn’t do what he asked. He said that
instead, I did what I wanted to do. I continued listening, but I
had to interject something, so I said, “I guess I had
misunderstood what you had said a month or two ago”.
K: Oops! Keep talking about HIM… not you. He’s the one we’re
working on. You could say, again (because he’s needing a lot of
empathy for years of his own pain), “So are you feeling confused
because you have a need for acknowledgment and appreciation and
you weren’t getting that for a long time?”
Remember – you’re just trying to understand. You don’t have to
agree with him about whether or not you gave him appreciation and
acknowledgement during that time.
M: I told him I thought he had said not to spend any money for
Valentines Day or our anniversary.
So, I decided not to spend money on a gift (we would normally
discuss how much money we were going to spend for Valentines Day
and our anniversary), but just to get a card and a single rose,
to symbolize my love for him and to recognize a milestone
anniversary…# 10.
K: So, are you feeling confused and maybe disappointed because
you have a need for connection and intimacy with your partner and
it was looking impossible to tell how to do that in a way that he
would enjoy?
M: Evidently, doing something that ‘I’ wanted to do, in this
case, went against his needs, but I am looking at it as part of
our healing. If I didn’t love him so much then I wouldn’t have
gotten the card and rose, I wouldn’t have emailed you about him
not opening the card, etc…and I would not be in the healing
process like I am now.
I have to say…he did tell me that he could see how I may have
misunderstood what he had said originally, which I thought was a
step in the right direction.
K: Cool! Natural empathy…
M: At that point in the conversation (probably not the correct
time to say this) I asked him, “What about the rose and the
card?” He said, “It’s not mine, I didn’t ask for
it”. We then moved from the kitchen to the living room with
the conversation. He proceeded to say that we can give birthday
gifts. I asked him what the difference
was…why it was okay to give birthday gifts to each other but
nothing else? He said, “Because we would give birthday gifts to
anyone in our group of friends.”
K: Hmmm… I want to ask him, “So, does receiving only a
birthday gift feel good to you because if fulfills your needs for
autonomy and independence?
M: He then said, “But if you don’t want a birthday gift, just
tell me. I am okay with not giving you one if that’s what you
want.”
Of course I am frustrated at this point for one because I don’t
like the vagueness of his explanation and how hurt what he is
saying makes me feel inside.
K: Are you feeling frustrated and sad and needing some
understanding and empathy for the pain this is bringing up for
you?
M: And secondly, I know that I am not supposed to be getting
into any other deep conversations with him until I can work on a
strategy with you. So I really don’t know what to say, except I
told him that I didn’t say anything about not wanting a birthday
gift.
K: So were you feeling a bit anxious because you have a need
to connect with your partner in a way that you’ll both enjoy and
you have a need for some strategies that will help you do that?
M: After that, basically, the rose and card conversation was
over. We did, however, continue talking. I asked him if he
noticed that our communication had greatly improved recently. He
said that he had noticed and that he hoped that we don’t slip.
K: Excellent!
M: I asked him what he thought attributed to the difference/
improvement. He calmly said old age (he’s only 44, and I am
going to be 41). He said it was basically trial and error over
all these years. He said he finally realized that what he was
doing wasn’t working and so he changed it and now it is working.
I told him that I have been reading material on how to improve
my communication skills. He then told me that he has had
multiple classes and workshops through work that taught him. I
then talked with him a bit about how I thought we needed to
improve our communication skills with Marshall (our son). I
ordered Marshall Rosenberg’s book called ‘Raising Children
Compassionately’ on EBay the other night. I spoke with
about how I believed that some of his/ (your) [The Magic
Relationship Method] communication techniques were working
with him. I asked him if he would read the book when it comes
in. He said, “I might”.
All in all our conversation went exceptionally well! Incidentally,
he still hasn’t opened either card.
K: I’m wondering if he isn’t still in pain – that he hasn’t opened
the cards. It may take some time to heal the old wounds… we get
into this in our 7 Keys to a Magic Relationship…
M: Although I have a lot more to learn and practice, I feel
less anxious about the future, in that I know that these
techniques work and that as time goes by things will greatly
improve with us.
I do have to say that I am still concerned/worried about our
future together because I have a memory of our last conversation
where he said, “I will always love you and have you in my life,
but I am not in love with you anymore and I don’t know if I can
be. I don’t know if I want to be with you…or anyone else, for
that matter”.
K: I’m wondering if he doesn’t see a way for his needs for
authenticity and autonomy to met at the same time as his needs
for connection and love, so he thinks he needs to be alone to get
those needs for independence met…?
M: Kristin, this has been bothering me for months. This
living in limbo…I don’t know what he wants.
K: It sounds like you have a need for understanding and
clarity around your relationship. Also as part of the 7 Keys we
have some goals clarification exercises for helping a couple look
at their future together. Without a shared vision for the
future, a goal, something you’re working toward, it’s difficult
to get on with the day-to-day. That may be something to look at
doing. I do have to warn you, though, that we’ve had a couple of
relationships break up over doing their vision statements. It
became obvious to them that they really WERE heading in opposite
directions. But then the break-ups were easier because, of
course, you don’t want your beloved to NOT go after their dream.
M: His being/sleeping in our spare bedroom is hard for me.
Our last conversation, which was in January, (where I kind of
tried to get a feel as to where he was in his search for
happiness) didn’t really pan out any new information. He still
said he didn’t know if he wanted to work on the relationship or
not. In another week, it will be 5 months since his announcement
that he was unhappy in our relationship. Is the continued
improvement in conversation techniques the answer to it all? I
don’t know what kinds of things to work on next. I’ve already
talked with him 3 times about how he feels about ‘us’ and I don’t
think pressing anymore will work in my favor, but I also don’t
think that just waiting around is the answer.
K: I think working on communication techniques for the little
stuff – like picking up socks, or the sponge in the sink, etc.,
— will help give you the tools you need to come back later to
the bigger issues.
M: You must have some sort of plan (so I understand from your
website) for happiness in your marriage. I feel confident that
if I just had some guidance for a several more months, after
practicing the proper techniques at the right times, my need for
connection and love from
K: Yes, I believe your needs WILL be met – even though the
learning process and working through the issues can be painful at
times, it’s totally worth it.
M: I really appreciate and thank you for your time and energy
in reading and considering my points in this email. I am looking
forward to hearing from you soon!
With sincere gratitude,
Madeline
Woohoo! It sounds like these communication techniques are
really working for you. I look forward to hearing your response
to my letter!
Warmly, Kelli